Playing Poker with the Rent Money

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

Mary Lou
A man was quietly reading his paper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it", she replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on", he explains. She looks satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes to, he says, "What the hell was that for?" "Your horse phoned."

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, 'Now, who is going to tell the wife?'

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

'Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.'

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, 'Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.'

She hollers, 'TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!'

Rippington says, 'O.K.'

DO IT!!

You Might Have A Poker Addiction When...

You yell, "Ship it!" at the ATM when you withdraw cash.

You go out to a restaurant and tip the waitress the second she brings your food.

You use the phrase "bad beat" when lending a sympathetic ear to a friend.

The guy on TV didn't win the lottery, he had the "nut ticket".

Your kids are named Check and Raise.

You have 12 games on your computer, solitaire, minesweeper, and 10 poker sites.

You are having such a bad day at hold 'em that you decide to take a break... and play Omaha.

You have a poker chip in your pocket right now.

You nearly explode your bladder because, "That next hand might be the one where you get back to even."

DO IT!!

A Trip to Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband. "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!"

DO IT!!

From the poker dictionary: lottery (noun):
A tax on people who are bad at math.

Besides lovemaking and singing in the shower, there aren’t many human activities where there is a greater difference between a person’s self-delusional ability and actual ability than in poker.
-Anonymous

It's hard work. Gambling. Playing poker. Don't let anyone tell you different. Think about what it's like sitting at a poker table with people whose only goal is to cut your throat, take your money, and leave you out back talking to yourself about what went wrong inside.
-- Stu Unger, Three-time WSOP Champion

A card player should learn that once the money is in the pot, it isn't his any longer.
-- Herbert Yardley (1957

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off of your doorstep?

A: Pay him for the pizza.

Poker Player and His Wife A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report. "Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

Q: What’s the difference between a professional poker player and a large pepperoni pizza?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

Naughty Bob!
Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How Ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league .

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms =2 0around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

Bob’s funeral will be on Friday.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a classic!
here is one
What do you call a Poker Player with half a brain?

Gifted

Chaos, Panic, Fear..... My work here is done!

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive brunette comes in and wants to bet ten thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm not wearing a top." With that said she pulls off her top and rolls the dice while screaming, "Momma needs a new blouse." She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I win - I win." She grabs up her money and top and quickly leaves the table.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought you were watching!"

DO IT!!

Every body WON!

You can sleep when you're dead!

Q: Why are there NO poker games in Heaven?

A: No Dealers....

What is the…difference between a poker player and a dog?
The dog will eventually stop whining.


What is the…difference between a professional poker player and God?
God doesn’t think He’s a professional poker player.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/11/2008 08:41PM by DrCheckRaise.

Ok this is by far the funniest poker joke I have ever heard.

The "Voice" of Poker:

There's a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says,

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He ignores the voice. Later in the day, he hears the voice again.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day.

"Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas."

He can't take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says,

"Go to the Horseshoe."

He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says,

"Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry."

He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt Ace of Spades, Ace of Clubs. The voice says,

"Go all in."

He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call.

The dealer lays down the flop which is 8 of Hearts, 9 of Hearts, 10 of Hearts. The voice says,

"FUCK!."

I'm in Vegas last week and a guy is standing in front of the Shoe and he appears to be pan handling. I wander by and he say's to me "Sir, my wife has died, but I need money to bury her. Can you help me out?"

I get a bit huffy and say back to him "Why should I give you money. You're just going to take it and go gambling!"

He looks at me and says " You got it all wrong, I've got gambling money!"

I'll be here all week.

Please try the veal and tip your waitresess!

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan (someone) and I need to talk to Annie Wan! It is urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone, but what is this urgent matter about?
Caller: @#$... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan got injured and now Noel Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (everyone) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! What is your name?
Operator: I am Saw Lee (sorry)!
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!!

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

The wife took up poker
I can't believe its true
She started online yesterday
And I'm not sure what to do

She's already cost us money
She's a hundred dollars down
She says its cause she has no luck
All I do is frown

She thinks she's tight/aggressive
I wish that she was passive
Even with a nine and four
I see her raising massive

With every face card she must raise
She says its cause they're pretty
I just cringe and walk away
And sit and watch her booty

She doesn't like the Ace of Spades
Cause it's an ugly card
I watched her muck it with a King
And almost hit her..HARD

She says that it is boring
To be dealt a pocket pair
I watched her folding bullets
And tore out half my hair

In a hand against "ChillyRooster"
She had him fully beat
But she wouldn't take advantage
Cause she thought his name was sweet

If she holds the nuts, she will not bet
She thinks that it's unfair
And when re-raised she always calls
Cause she's got chips to spare

Now she's thinking of NO LIMIT
She thinks it might be fun
I'm going through my chest of drawers
I'm looking for my gun

Downstairs and armed and dangerous
Although it may be mean
I take my aim and fir it twice
And blow away the screen

GAME OVER!!!

I like it, a poker poem thread... lets see what others come up with. And using a name of player we know could be fun as well

Very funny. Thanks.

Kathleen

Kathleen

Give her a testicle.......test tickle

cross breed a elephant and a rhino what do u get ...an elephino.........hell if i know

A guy shows up at his Thursday night poker game with his bulldog. The dog jumps on on an empty seat and the guy buys him some chips.

As the dealer starts to pass the dog by, the guy says, "Hey, deal my dog in!"
Everyone looks rather askance but they deal him in.

To everyone's surprise, the dog picks up the cards and begins to play!
After a few hands one of the guys says, "Say, that's amazing! Your dog ought to be in the Guinness Book of Records!"

The dog owner says, "Nah, he sees too many flops and is a sucker for a check-raise."

Very funny. Highers

My kid came home with a safety pin through his eyelid...... I didn't know those could fall off .........
I was fighting with my 19 yr old ... He stormed out ...... 15 minutes later HE came back in so furious ... He asked "Then Why Did You HAVE ME??????????( I had to snicker at that question)......
I looked him in the eye and said. BECAUSE
we didn't know it was going to be YOU
LMAO

Very funny, very true

Kathleen

what do poker dealers and rabbi's who perform circumcisions have in common?

they both work for the tips!

Guts or Balls ?

There is a medical distinction.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say:'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both may result in death.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/10/2009 03:03AM by Danielle_HAC.

You're next chubby...Now that's funny

The newlyweds rented a cabin in the Great Smoky Mountains for their honeymoon.

Although it was late spring, it got very cold in the mountains at night.

There was no electricity in the cabin, only a fireplace. A small pile of wood was stacked beside it.

The husband started a fire and they sit around it, drinking wine and enjoying the warmth.

The husband was eager to get to bed. The wife was not. For, she was very shy and still a virgin.

She finally agreed to go to bed.

The husband was hot as a firecracker and ready.

The wife was not. She said, “Honey, I’m cold.” “The fire has almost gone out.” “Will you please put some more wood in the fireplace?”

“Sure honey”, said the husband.

The husband jumped out of bed and went over to the fireplace.
“There’s no more wood here.” “We used it all up.”

“I saw a pile of wood outside beside the cabin when we arrived.” Said the wife. “Please go outside and get some, just for little ole me.”

The husband pulled on his shoes and got in his coat and went outside.

He wasn’t out there long.

His wife heard Chop, Chop, and Chop. And the husband came back in with two little pieces of wood.
He threw these on the fire, stoked it and got back in bed.

The wife had made up her mind while he was outside to go ahead and consummate the marriage with her husband.

But now the husband was cold from being outside. He had to warm himself up by some foreplay.
After a while he was ready and eager again. But the wife was now cold from his cold hands.

She said, “Honey, I am really cold now.” “And those little pieces of wood has already burnt up.”

“Okay”, the husband said. “I’ll go get enough wood this time to last the night.”

The husband put on his shoes and coat and went outside.

Chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop, chop……………………………….................chop, chop.

The husband came back in the cabin with a big arm full of wood, threw a few big logs and the fire, stoked it and jumped back in bed and turned his back to his wife.

The wife thought, “Uh oh, he’s mad at me.”

The wife starts rubbing his back and around to his front and the husband did not respond.

She rubbed herself up against him, while still rubbing his front and whispered in his ear. “Honey, what are we going to call our first baby?”

The husband said, “I guess we’ll call the little sumbitch Chips.” “He’s laying out there in the wood pile.”

I was recently playing at a poker table when a lady player had just knocked out a male player. Chat went something like this: Male player: Donk, eat me.
Female player: I choke on small bones.